campfire anthems

last night emily and i went over to the thompson residence to watch the office as we always do on thursday nights. the usual crew was there. james, travis, emily marion, kfj, and the ambers (thats our name for amber and lauren). the only person missing was gabe. i think he had some lame excuse for not being there…something about working. gabe, at least tell me you are washing your hair or changing guitar strings. so the office was really good last night. i’m starting to get into it a little more and learning about what makes the characters funny. once show was over the crowd thinned out a little bit and the real conversation began. i was talking about my goatee and how i was going to grow a big thick hairy mess on my chin, like that guy sundance from american idol last year. everyone swore that there was now way his name could be sundance. i now had a personal mission/vendetta against those in question and had to prove that i was correct (i’m not competitive at all). after a quick google search, i claimed my status as goatee aficionado and moved on to the next subject.

after a bit, kfj went to bed, because she is a nurse and had to get up early this morning. travis scared emily just around this point, when we started discussing our fishing trip for next friday night. we are going to do a little night fishing just outside of englewood. trav started talking about that when he is at the hem of natures pant legs, those surrounding him will be in danger at some point. emily did not like this. apparently travis has been known to sink boats and/or set them on fire. i told him i was a strong swimmer. i hope i don’t have to prove it.

::new thought::

do you have the kind of friends that you just can’t break away from? let me explain what i mean. i have a friend that is like this, but they will be left unnamed. anyways, this person loves to talk. it doesn’t matter what the subject is. that’s cool. i can usually hold a conversation about anything, or i can at least fake it. i finally figured out the key to this person’s “not letting you leave” success. just so i can stop using the phrase this person, we will refer to them now as filbert. so filbert would engage me in conversation. when emily or i made the call to go home to sleep, filbert switched his attention to emily, engaging her in a completely new but equally random thought. this could go on and on, until you pick up on the technique. back to last night.

coleman the wonder dog was laying curled up on the couch across the living room from where i was sitting. he was so cute and peaceful, just laying there in his coat of slightly graying black fur. then, without notice, coleman sprung up and snatched at mosquito out of mid air and ate it. this technique reminded me slightly of a king cobra attacking the flute of an indian man on the street. what one might call a “snake charmer.” it was incredible. i think it may have changed my life.

you know what i hate? homeless people. i know that sounds so awful and unchristian like, but its true. let me explain once again. i know that some people have it rough, i’m not talking about them.  i speak of the pan handlers that can work a drive thru or the cashier’s station at a 7 eleven. quit standing on the corner with your sign that says you are a veteran and finish the phrase with god bless you. the reason this bothers me is because sometimes, if you catch them at the perfect time, you can watch these people get into their cars and drive away. its sort of like the people that claim to be homeless and in need, but have a cleanly shaven , just out of the shower face. i almost always refuse to give these people money. i will, however, give them a sandwich…just to see the disappointment in their eyes, due to it not being a bottle of alcoholic liquid. another thing i really hate is being approached by these people. they all use some variation of the same story.

hey man. my car is right over there and i don’t have any gas. my wife is pregnant and i need to get her home so she can rest. oh, did i mention that i don’t even live in this city? i have to drive 30 miles from here. just give me a couple of bucks so i can fill up my car and take my girlfriend and newborn home.

did you notice how mid story the lies changed. i think sometimes these people don’t even have their lines scripted out. you know what i’d rather hear than sob stories like these? well i’ll tell you.

h…hey buddy. listen. i just got out of jail. do you think you could spare a couple of bucks? i wanna get a six pack and some cigarettes to celebrate my first night as a free man again.

at this point, i open my wallet and give the guy a 10 spot. that’s really all i’m looking for, some gut level honesty. i already know what you are going to do with my money. don’t try to fool me and we’ll be cool. my lovely wife, emily, doesn’t agree with me. seriously, you are about to enter the twilight zone that is her mind. when approached by these people, she automatically thinks that god is sending an angel down to test her. and for all i know, this could be the case. by the way, emily is a much better person than i am. she told me this story from tuesday night. she said that when she was picking up guin, our friend’s daughter that we watch on tuesdays, this creepy, slightly threatening man followed them and then approached her. she handled it just like any good christian should. she helped him solve his problem, whatever it was. she quoted a verse from matthew about how jesus said whatever you do to the least of man you do to me. if i were in this situation, being tested by god, and he put a bum/angel in my path and there ended up being a tense situation, i would probably beat the poo out of this bum/angel. sorry jesus. i’m not very good at tests. in all reality, this is a scary place we live in and i’m not about to ask questions first, especially if someone in my presence is in danger. i’m going to get so much crap for this, but….i think when put to the test, like that in which i was describing, its better to be alive and ask for redemption later than to ask questions first and wind up dead.

i’m really glad its the weekend. i’m leaving work early today to go to frostproof for a rehearsal dinner. emily and i are playing and singing in a wedding tomorrow. it should be interesting. pray for our sanity, mainly because i hate weddings. anyways. now that you have had a deep and scary look inside my brain, i will leave you with this thought. what’s the deal with raisins? wouldn’t you rather just eat the grape before it got all gross? ok, bye!