campfire anthems

alright gang. here’s a further look into the void that is my mind. you asked questions. i provide answers. this is as real as it gets.  questions are in white, answers are in some shade of faded red.

kfj asks:

how does it feel to lose at rook to a couple of girls? alright kfj. we have to lose every now and then. if we dominated you every game then you would lose your spirits about it and never want to play again. just remember, though, when you beat your husband you end up going to bed with the loser. i hope you can live with that.

emily asks:

why do you always copy me? its merely a matter of you having a good idea and me wanting to make it a great idea. why recreate the wheel when you can just improve its design? what’s your fascination with interior decorating? emily, there is no fascination. i just don’t want to live in a house for 4-6 years in which i feel the walls are a hideous color. i have to look at them too. where do babies come from? good question. you know that thing we do late at night after puma goes to sleep? that’s where babies come from. why do you love me? i love you because you balance me out and you are wicked hot. there is much much more to this answer but i don’t want to waste space on my page. how do you feel about our dog? puma is pretty much the best dog ever. she needs a hair cut. her breath smells like her butt (i can only assume this since i have not stuck my nose in that area). how do you feel about sextuplets? i think if that were to ever happen to us i’d become very wealthy. keep one and sell the other five on the baby black market. are you super excited about moving to a new city? no. not really. i am glad to have a new house though. i will have to learn where everything is in this new town. when is the last time you did something for yourself? i went fishing last friday. it was nice. what’s your favorite thing that i cook? i’m a pretty big fan of the beef burgundy. you can eat and get drunk all in one meal! when are you going to shave your beard? my beard is awesome. i went clean shaven for a while upon your request. i think its time to let the mountain man back out. can we sell the bowflex? i will answer this question by asking one in return. can we sell puma? do you have any secret talents? i only know about the talents that aren’t a secret. if i do, these talents sure know how to keep their mouths shut. can you tell what show i was watching when i asked you these questions? john and kate plus 8.

jenna asks:

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? 8,319. on a good day. am i making that number up or did i really count? you tell me. when are we going to see some little monts de ocas? whenever god decides to unleash his sense of humor upon us. have you ever had hemorrhoids? first of all, jenna, i fixed the spelling for you. secondly, no…no i haven’t. i try to let things come out naturally without straining. thus far it has kept me hemorrhoid free. in 6th grade you did you really like better - matt or ryan? ok jenna. that question doesn’t even make grammatical sense. there are too many pronouns in there. i don’t like boys. whatever happened to ivy? assuming you mean ivy the dog, she still lives at the whatley residence. no offence whatleys - ivy is old and will probably die soon. have you been to dairy queen lately? no but i have been to burger king. do they still make pogs? unfortunately pogs are no longer being manufactured. their timely demise has become a gold mine for collectors and hobbyists alike. there are a number of collectible stores, as well as internet merchandisers that can help you onto the fast tract to pog world.

well guys, thanks for you awesome questions. as of now there will be a part two coming tomorrow. hopefully i’ll have some more questions and we can extend it to a longer series. this is fun.